How to Heal the Avoidant-Anxious Attachment Style

The Avoidant-Anxious Program Overview

If you keep running into the pattern of always being in a relationship with an anxious or an avoidant or always finding yourself attracted to someone with this attachment style… it’s not random.

The reason it isn’t random is because the outer world is a mirror to our inner world.

There is a reason this keeps happening and it is because there is a part of you that is still unseen and unloved.

And when this is happening in the inner world, it oftentimes manifests in the outer reality as you loving someone who doesn’t love you back, or you not feeling love for the people who love you.

However, once you realize this and learn to see and love the unloved aspects of yourself… not only will you change, but your relationships will change too.

Whether they be with your significant partner, your children, family, friends, or strangers.

And all you need to do to heal this pattern and exit this avoidant-anxious attachment style loop is to learn how to unconditionally love yourself. That is it.

So let me tell you in this article how to do just that.

How to Heal from being an Avoidant or Anxious

To give it to your straight…

You must learn how to unconditionally love yourself in order to heal from being an avoidant or an anxious attachment style.

You learn how to unconditionally love yourself by seeing and accepting the parts of yourself that you deny, ignore, or try to repress.

These aspects of oneself are parts we have judged as negative or society has judged as negative.

Thus, you keep trying to repress or hide these aspects of yourself. Or you deny they exist within you altogether.

However when you see and accept these negative aspects or beliefs within you, and you do this over and over again – you train yourself to love yourself unconditionally and accept yourself as you are now.

And in doing that, you heal the wounds within you and your shadow becomes integrated. And when the shadow is integrated, you transform into who you are meant to be.

You will become your true self. The you that unconditionally loves yourself and others.

Also, feel free to check out my Youtube video if you’d like a video-form of this blog post!

Identify Negative Belief Patterns

Identifying your subconscious negative beliefs can be difficult.

It takes a lot of self awareness and awareness of how the Universe works in order to see the Shadow.

However, here are some of the main negative belief patterns that are running in Anxious and Avoidant individuals.

This list will likely not cover every shadow within you.

However, it is a great starting point, and just healing these aspects of yourself will transform your life immensely.

Anxious Attachment Beliefs

• I am a burden
• Fear of being unloved
• I am unworthy
• Abandonment wound
• Fear of being alone

Avoidant Attachment Beliefs

• Fear of love
• Fear of feelings (particularly the negative ones)
• Fear of being vulnerable
• Being self-centered is negative
• Fear of commitment

How to See & Accept

Now let us frame these beliefs in terms of how to do Shadow Work.

I will lay out the exact way in which you need to identify the shadow and the self talk you should do in order to accept your shadow.

Because you have a negative program running concerning these beliefs, you will most likely feel negative push back when I tell you to essentially accept yourself (or unconditionally love yourself).

This negative pushback happens because you are so used to loving yourself with conditions… that when you first start the process of unconditionally loving yourself, you believe it’s wrong.

This is okay.

Simply sit with your negative feelings and feel them. Accept that you have these feelings (rather than ignoring or denying them).

And feel free to take a break when it becomes a little too much. Don’t overwhelm yourself too much.

Also, I recommend seeing and accepting the shadows of both the anxious and the avoidant – no matter if you identify as one or the other.

This is because these two opposite sides are actually one. You may notice that the wounds mirror each other… this is because they are one.

You will fully heal once you integrate both sides.

Anxious Attachment

• See that there is a part of you that is a burden. It’s okay to be a burden. See and accept the you that is a burden.
• There is a part of you that is unloved or feels unloved. It’s okay to feel unloved. See and accept the you that is unloved. Give them a hug! And tell yourself “it’s okay”.
• There is a you that feels unworthy. Tell yourself “it’s okay to be unworthy” and accept your unworthy self. Commit to yourself even if you feel unworthy.
• There is a you that is still abandoned. See and accept that part of you. It’s okay if you feel abandoned. Commit to the you that is still abandoned and accept them.
• There is a you that fears being alone. See and accept the fear. And accept the you that is alone. It’s okay to be alone because you commit to yourself even if you feel alone.

Avoidant Attachment

• There is a you that fears love. See and accept your fear of love. Tell yourself “it’s okay to be afraid of love.” And accept yourself as you are.
• See and accept the you that is afraid of your negative feelings. See and accept the fear, anger, sadness within you. Tell yourself “It’s okay to feel fear, anger, and sadness.”
• See and accept the you that is vulnerable. It’s okay to be vulnerable and be afraid of being vulnerable. It’s not bad to be vulnerable. Accept this part of yourself.
• See and accept the you that fears being self-centered or selfish. It’s okay to be more self-centered. It’s not bad. Accept the you that has needs. It’s okay to have your own needs.
• There is a you that fears commitment. It’s okay to fear commit. See and accept the you that fears commitment. See and accept yourself as you are now.

There are two other big shadows that you must see & accept to complete this cycle.

There is probably a belief within you that believes being an avoidant or anxious is negative or bad. See and accept the you that is an avoidant or an anxious. It is not bad to be an avoidant and anxious. Give yourself a hug and accept yourself as you are now.

The other belief is the you that conditionally loves. As you go into the world of unconditional love, it can be easy to judge conditional love as negative. See and accept the you that also conditionally loves. It’s okay to conditionally love. When you do this, it prevents conditional love from being a shadow.

What Changes Will You Experience?

You will learn how to unconditionally yourself and others.

As you move into a world in which you feel more love for yourself, this mirrors back into reality.

• The way you perceive and interact with others will change. You will naturally flow towards a way of being in which others naturally love what you do.
• You will find people around you change to be more loving and accepting towards you.
• The Universe will orchestrate ways in which you feel more love or things that never happened to you before, start happening (in a good, serendipitous way).
• Relationships flourish and get better.
• People that are not meant for you will leave your life.

Some of you may have more of a spiritual experience in which you realize that this entire world is actually love… and you can only love and be loved.

You may also experience that unconditional love is not just a feeling. It is a state of being. You realize that you are love and your feelings can be held in love.

Integration Process

Some of you may have an ego death after you do this work, depending on the level of shadow work you do.

The more shadows you see and accept – the larger your vessel for unconditional love becomes.

This may feel existential, lonely, overwhelming, or you feel lost, sad, and confused.

If this happens, focus on yourself during this moment.

Do what you like to do in order to relax and have fun in life. Pour into yourself.

You can also write out all of your feelings (particularly the negative ones) onto paper. This helps to release what is inside of you out. Do this until you don’t really have much you feel like venting out anymore.

And above all, be you!

Don’t aim for perfection when it comes to healing work. Do some work – but then, always return to just being you.

Be aware of the changes you experience – but also relax and don’t strive for perfection.

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And that is how you heal the pattern of being an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style!

Thank you so much for reading!

I hope you found it helpful – Let me know what you think or experienced in the comment section down below.

I am wishing you all a wonderful day or night – and until next time!

Sending you much love xo